Friday, December 17, 2004

Those Impotence Commercials

I'm the first person to admit that I can be a bit of a misanthropic guy. I'm not a fan of big gatherings, I obsessively carry a small bottle of Purell with me to ward off the germs of others, and I'm not real keen on the little personal details of others lives that some folks seem compelled to share.

There is one thing though, that I REALLY can't deal with:

Old people and sex. Now don't get me wrong, I like old people. I know many of 'em, and find their company delightful. I'm also not unaware of the fact that at 43, I'm careening closer to official old guy status with every single breath.

Similarly, I like sex. Don't worry, I'm not going to violate my own rule and pour out the personal details of my life. Lets face it though, most of us enjoy the activity and many of us enjoy watching attractive couples doing it as well. So the problem isn't sex, its not others having sex, its not watching others have sex.

Its old people. Sorry, but its true.

Listen, I'm glad old people have sex. They must be doing it in dark rooms, blindfolded with their eyes closed, but hey, more power to them baby! I just don't want to know about it.

Which brings us to those impotence commercials. Frankly, I knew we were in trouble when the first viagra commercial appeared with good ole, Bob Dole. Somehow though, these commercials just didn't produce the cringe factor I would have suspected, and I think I know why. Nobody in their right mind is ever going to believe that Bob and Elizabeth are still doing it. No how, No way. Anyone ever see that "60 Minutes" interview with Bob Dole where he was walking around his place in Florida. It was right out of Del Boca Vista on Seinfeld. The man was wearing shorts, black socks and wingtips.

Let me repeat that so you can get the visual: shorts.... black socks......wingtips. Now I don't care if Viagra gives the man the staying power of industrial strength rebar. There is no way anyone is ever going to get laid in that get up.

So we were safe from the awful, awful imagery of Bob and Elizabeth creating the Beast of Two Backs.

Then the Levitra woman hit the market. This was a little worse as it introduced the concept of four hour erections requiring medical help. As disturbing as this concept is, and make no mistake, it is a troubling concept that may require therapy for all of the involuntary shudders to stop, the Levitra woman had two happy benefits.

1. She is a babe, and she is a babe that wants to do it. This is a good thing.

2. She seems to have replaced Mike Ditka as the Levitra spokesperson. While I am a big Chicago fan (Da, Bearsss), frankly the idea of Mike Ditka having sex was a chilling thought to any woman that didn't fancy the concept of doing it with a heaving, sweaty, pneumatic beast! And we can't have women getting chilled, so men everywhere love the Levitra babe.

Now though, the business has gone to far. Cialis is out there and their commercial pictures the two worst things that should forever be kept apart in the public mind. Sex and old people. Its like a frickin plague of sex and old people too. These folks are walking around with Soma like grins on their faces just looking for somewhere to hump.

In the kitchen - there goes Thanksgiving dinner for me.

On a rainy beach - the baby seals will have coronaries, no need to club them anymore

Dry humping on the front steps, THE FRONT STEPS PEOPLE - I can envision the paper boy beating them with a rolled up Daily Shopper like two dogs in heat

Worst of all though is the final scene. In what can only be described as some bizarre attempt at trailer park chic gone terribly, terribly wrong, we are treated to a vision of two naked old people sitting in separate claw foot tubs in the middle of nowhere. Then just as suddenly as they appear, the tubs are shown again, only this time they're empty!

This can only mean one thing: the oldsters are humping in the woods. Oh, the humanity! The grinding the bumping......... the coronary stress! Worse still, some innocent hiker, perhaps a 43 year old guy with the kids whose only previous concern was, I don't know, maybe startling a bear, could be subjected to the throbbing gray prune in the bushes.

Frankly, enough is enough. Why can't old people be happy like they are in the cholesterol commercials. Oh, those are fine, happy productions. The old folks plant flowers, ride bikes, play bridge and then go to dinner at 3:30 for the early bird. This is perfectly acceptable old people behavior. Has been for years. Why, I'll even promise, that if they limit their public activity to these fine pass times, I won't honk when I encounter them in the fast lane doing 45.

I'll just slow down, smile, pass on the right, and say "Thanks for not doing it!" as I drive by.

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