Saturday, July 23, 2005

A Culinary Outrage!

I'm just not sure where to start, except to say that it is now clear that the communists have taken control. As the linked article indicates, a recent "survey" resulted in the New York hotdog being declared the best tasting dog in the nation. From the article:

"The nationwide poll was conducted through random phone interviews with 900 people.

Twenty-eight percent of respondents backed New York, while 26 percent said they preferred Chicago. Dallas, Los Angeles and Denver rounded out the list."

Immediately the survey's methodology must be called into question. In what world would anyone put together a survey of any type of cured meat product that included Los Angeles as a credible answer? Los Angeles? For hotdogs? I don't think so. Those people eat salads, "tofu pups" and God knows what other unnatural concoctions their mad "health experts" have invented.

Dallas and Denver while not equally dubious responses, certainly do not merit consideration in this question of culinary excellence. I don't mean to say they're not fine cities, but what pray tell is a Denver hotdog? One that tastes good due to the mind numbing effects of altitude sickness?

Here is the website of a loutish brute who clearly has ruined his tastebuds on a combination of trailmix, freeze dried beef stroganoff, and that sickeningly sweet powdered fruit drink concoction that his type refer to as "bug juice". Yup, a Denverite decided to taste test a Chicago hotdog, and came away completely underwhelmed. This, as a great President once said, will not stand. I've always heard that people like this were out there, but I never really believed it was true. I guess I was like those that deny the existence of the Devil. I've learned that they are all too real, and they are pure evil;

"A word of caution: if you ever hear anyone talk about the fabled Chicago Hot Dog, stop them. They lie. There is no greater lie. The Chicago Hot Dog is to adults what the tooth fairy, the Easter bunny, and Santa Claus are to children: a hoax and fraud.
HereÂ’s how to make a Chicago Hot Dog: Obtain hot dogs in Chicago. Dump all nature of shit on them so theyÂ’re smelly, messy, runny, and soggy. Now eat it in Chicago. HereÂ’s what separates a Denver dog from a Chicago dog: the water boils faster in Denver."

Chilling, don't you agree? Fear not my fellow gastronauts, as with the Devil, this odious excuse for a gourmet exposes his lie in his own words. "Water boils faster in Denver". Got him! Everyone knows that you never boil a hotdog. My God, what type of person would do such a thing? A hotdog is a fully cooked meat product. Nearly the perfect meal. Boil it? This guy must eat his steak well done and cook fish until it is dry and tasteless. Perhaps these are the types of people that were polled in the survey?

My friends, this is a very troubling development that speaks poorly for the future of our country. A Chicago hotdog is like no other.... a work of art that balances all of your basic food groups between the warm, steamy folds of a poppie seed bun. Denver, I'm sure, has some nice folks in it, but if this man is unable to distinguish the glory of the Chicago dog, one must wonder how many more are out there? Societies don't crumble in one huge explosion, they rot from within and we may just be looking at the early signs.

To prepare an authentic Chicago hotdog one must begin with the very best ingredients, and that means purchasing your cased meat product at the Mothership of Meat. This wonderful institution started in 1893 when two fine young imigrants wanted to feed the attendees of the Columbian Exposition in Chicago. As is fitting the birth of an institution, readers of The Devil In The White City know that many firsts were achieved as the result of this fair. While we could point to the introduction of ice cream, the first Ferris Wheel, or the construction of the landscaped gardens of Jackson Park, or even the building of the "White City" as the fair's great accomplishment, the true most enduring miracle that came about was Vienna Beef.

Delighting the taste buds of Chicagoans for over one hundered years, the Vienna hotdog is like no other. All beef, the proper blend of spices and meat, and an enticing red hue, it yields a delightful "pop" when your teeth first sink into its meaty goodness.

With the Vienna dog as its base, a Chicago hotdog then must add mustard, electric green relish, onions, and fresh tomatoes and sport peppers. At this point, any other city would be satisfied with their creation, but not the city of builders. No way bub, we knew that to achieve true greatness more had to be done. The beauty part comes next; celery salt. A dash, not too much, makes the Chicago dog a transcendental experience, enhancing each of the other ingredients, and bringing out a symphony of flavors.

Comparatively, a New York hotdog is a horror show. For starters they fry the thing. God, what sort of person looks at a dog and thinks, "you know it could be good, but I should really add some grease, and burn the skin before I put it between two halves of a cold bun"? I'll tell you what kind of person thinks that; a communist. Thats right, the communists have begun to take over and they mean to ruin that most American of foods, the hot dog.

How do I know its communists? Simple, they put ketchup on their hotdogs. This may be the greatest outrage in the entire culinary world. Ketchup! So typically communist too. Again, evil always shows its face, you just have to know how to look for it. In this case it is simple. Communists want everything to be equal, nothing is supposed to stand out. My God, look at their horrid architecture, their awful cars, and look at their food. Its awful stuff, no real flavor, and a greyish tint that repels even those with the worst of tastes.

In the hotdog they found a challenge though. How could they take this tasty meat product, and cover up its flavor without tipping off all good Americans to their presence and their nefarious intent? The answer was as simple as it was devious; smother the dog in ketchup so that you can't taste the glory of the food that was founded to celebrate our liberty. See? Evil I tell you. In fact, I bet if you go back and look at the records you'll find that New York's liberal voting paterns started about the same time that they began putting ketchup on their dogs.

I am afraid yes, but I will not be intimidated. I love this country too much to see it rot away due to communist influence, and loathsome hotdog boilers. Look at that picture above. A true Chicago dog in all its well dressed glory! Some things are worth fighting for, and this is one of them. That is why I support Mr. Howard Eirinberg the glorious President of Vienna Beef in his challenge to a taste off.

"Anywhere, anytime". Thats the Chicago spirit. We aim to win and defend our honor which is gonna take all of our strength. I better head over to Weiner's Circle and begin my training regimine.
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