Thursday, May 11, 2006

My Ears, Dear God My Ears!

I know I promised you all that in tonight's post I would address how we deal with the sudden influx of voters when we buy Mexico, but I plumb didn't have time today. Keeping the wheels of commerce well oiled occupied my day, and a special horror known only to parents of middle schoolers was visited upon me tonight: Spring Band Concert.

I will spare you the cacophonous details, but suffice it to say I sat in slack jawed amazement as I witnessed the specter of the talentless being led by the insane. Harsh you say? Clearly you haven't had the experience then. Those of us with experience know there are two absolute truths about middle school. First, no matter how long the band practices they always manage to discover new degrees of bad. Second; every school band leader in America is to one degree or another, insane. It might have something to do with dealing with Truth One above as a professional hazard, so I suppose I should be sympathetic. However, in my view, anyone who insists on throwing my child's lack of talent back in my face for a full hour and a half, deserves whatever fate results - you'll get no apologies from me.

As I sat there tonight some sort of self preservation mode kicked in, and in a bizarre turn of thoughts I found myself wondering, "What would Andrew Sullivan write, were he to attend this concert". As Mr. Mike used to say on SNL, I think it would go something like this:

Who needs taste when you're the Band Teacher? Some of us parents have long been worried by the Band Teacher's contempt for melody and harmony in her legitimate efforts to teach our children music. And we've been dismissed and criticized for it. But the more you know, the more troubling it gets. In all this, trust in the Band Teacher's tonal appreciation is important. That's gone. For good reason. You don't abandon recognizable songs, enable talentless hacks, declare the band above the proscribed timing, pile up countless misplayed notes to undermine the art and beauty of song ... and then take pains to protect the band members' self esteem. This Band Teacher, already eager to perpetuate mass hearing loss, needs more scrutiny. It may require replacing her with the Choral Instructor this fall to give it to her.

I wonder where I got that from.....hmmmm.......

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