Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Of All The Crazy Ideas!

Well, here is the worst idea ever: “Hey gang! Let’s turn the democratic process into a gambling operation to increase voter turnout!” I sat in stunned disbelief as I read this article today and wondered how any reasonable person – one who in this case is a Dr. – could possibly suggest such an inane idea.

But for Dr. Mark Osterloh suggesting isn’t good enough. Oh no, not for Dr. Mark, no sireee. Dr. Mark is a man of action! A man who stands behind his ideas, and no matter how incredibly stupid they may seem to us common folk, Dr. Mark has cold hard cash ready to promote is hair brained scheme!

It’s extraordinary really; the degree that some people will go to in the seemingly self defeating effort to out themselves as idiots. They hunt publicity, spend their money and come up with some of the craziest crap ever conceived by the human mind. This idea of Dr. Mark’s in my view, qualifies for idiot vision of the year.

And it’s only May.

Well done Dr. Mark!

And what is the good Dr. proscribing for the greatest democracy in the history of the world? Why voting/lottery of course. I suppose we could call it Voto! The basic idea is this: In Arizona, Dr. Mark suggests that every person who votes in an election be granted and entry in a drawing to win $1,000,000. Once the election is over, a winner will be named and the cool mil will be paid out of the Arizona unclaimed lottery prizes pool.

Obviously, only a population of idiots could be convinced to go along with such a scheme, but in a state that has enough unclaimed lotto money to finance this ridiculous proposal I suppose anything is possible. Perhaps the most incredible aspect of this whole idea is that it wasn’t spawned in the nation’s most squalid swamp of a hellhole; Florida.

There are so many down sides it is almost impossible to catalogue them in one post. First I suppose we have to start with the idea that getting people to vote who can’t be bothered to put the corn chips aside and waddle down to the voting both is a good idea. Let me be clear. THESE PEOPLE SHOULD NEVER BE ENCOURAGED TO VOTE. Oh yes, it’s true that if they insist on voting the constitution gives them the right, but let’s face it, all we really have to do to ensure the integrity of the electoral process is to be sure that Springer has a good fight on. I have little doubt that we can work some sort of deal with Jer..

Secondly, why in the world would we want to tie the most honored practice of citizenship to a tawdry, addictive affair? Oh sure, not everyone…or even a majority of people get addicted to gambling, but a good number do none the less. Good Lord, if we allow Dr. Mark to pull off this idiocy, you just know that he, or some other mouth breather will be back suggesting that we hand out shots for every successfully cast ballot. Where will the lunacy end?!

I can hear it now, “I’m candidate X and I approve of this add. Gambling or drinking problem? Call 1 800 STOP BET or 1 800 NO SHOTS”.

Still Dr. Mark is proud of his plan. When most normal people would hide their faces in shame for coming up with such a bad idea, Dr. Mark apparently believes he is a man of uncommon vision! Towards this end, the good Dr. has committed $200,000, American, to bringing his insane vision for the bastardization of the electoral process to fruition.

I have no idea how somebody, purportedly with a post graduate degree, could come up with this hair brained scheme. Although, come to think of it, the truth is that we really don’t know what Dr. Mark is a doctor of, so perhaps we should be careful in assigning credibility to what may be very dubious credentials. After all there was that day in college when I proclaimed myself, the “Doctor of Smooth”, and perhaps the good Dr. Mark has come up with a similar designation of distinction. I mean, a guy that would spend 200 hundy on a wacky voter-gambling idea might just be the same kind of guy to announce his self designated doctorial status. So before they go any further I’m strongly suggesting that the good people of Arizona - and by good people I mean to exclude the 185,903 lunatics who have already signed the petition to get this nightmarish proposal on the ballet – might want to be sure they know who they are following. Of course I have no way of knowing, so we’ll have to assume he is legit.

The bottom line is that this plan must be stopped now. If we fail it is very possible we’ll see the likes of Vito Corleone elected governor of Arizona. No doubt Don Pedro will be Lieutenant Gov., and I can just see the Queen of Spades as AG.

And then you’ll know what will happen next don’t you? That’s right. Bill Clinton will take up residence in Phoenix, and chase “that hotty” all over town!

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